The Ache of Longing

Peace of Christ brothers and sisters! I hope I find you all well. :)

I attended the SEEK2015 Conference this past week and truly had a beautiful and fruitful time.  It was filled with a whole bunch of laughter, meeting new friends, reuniting with old ones, getting lost, over priced food and a whole bunch of holy Wisdom and the love of the Most Holy Trinity.

However, I did not have an epiphany (ha) on this trip. I found myself at peace and constantly adoring Our Lord. I truly thank God for all of the people I was able to attend SEEK with and I thank Him for the new friends that I got to know in such a short amount of time.

Over the past few weeks I’ve neglected Jesus’ love for me but this past week I became vulnerable and was literally swimming in His love by the means of the most sacred Sacraments of Mass and Reconciliation, His Mother and the people whom are His.

My heart is heavy though and my soul is longing.

On the way home I realized that my being wasn’t satisfied, not that I wasn’t satisfied with the week or the talks or the experience, because I didn’t come with expectations. (I actually signed up not having strong desires to go, but the will of God spoke otherwise.) However, I realized that this dissatisfaction was within myself. I felt my heart longing, aching, literally.

I had no idea as to why or how this longing came about and I was greatly confused. I just had such a beautiful time at the conference, nothing went wrong (other than minor incidents), it was simply peaceful and humorous.

I kept on asking God “Why is my heart so heavy right now?” “What could I possibly desire more?” “What are you asking of me? There has to be something that you’re asking of me that you would give me these seemingly unattainable desires.” “Why I am not quenched?”

My girl, St. Faustina, stated that her desires are mad and unattainable and I was just having a real, deep bonding time with her because I was stating that to Jesus over and over and over again.

It is truly crazy how beautiful and “mad” the Lord is and the way He works.

You see, my beautiful best friend, Addie, has gone to be sanctified in the light of the Carmelite Convent so we aren’t able to see or talk to each other a lot, other than Come and See’s and letters for Christmas and Easter. Throughout our friendship, (which began in 8th grade) we grew together and we matured together spiritually. When I converted to the truth and beauty called the Catholic Church, we started recognizing that we both go through similar things (sufferings and struggles in most cases) at the same time. Jesus never failed. Either I would talk to Addie and she would exclaim how she was going through that too, or she would come to me and I would say that I was going through that, also.

As one would imagine, it has been extremely difficult but so extremely beautiful that Addie has been called to such a beautiful way of sanctity.

Without fail, the Lord continues to mold Addie and my own heart together, even through physical separation.

I’m convicted of this for multiple reasons.

One reason being:

Addie sent me a letter for Christmas and in this letter was a present for me on my birthday that I wasn’t allowed to open until January 6 - my birthday (which is today, that’s why I made the epiphany pun.)

As I awoke from my deep sleep, which was very much needed, I opened it and wept.

In this gift, was a poem titled “Sweet Soul That Wanted More.” Boom. Jesus.

If you don’t mind, I would like to share this gift to you so that you can make it your gift, also.

“How lovely is Your dwelling-place, O Lord,
In that Sacred Wine and Bread.
My soul always knew it longed for more
Than what it had instead.
And now, how I always long to adore
That sacred side that bled;
Those beautiful Hands, those Precious Feet,
Your Loving Heart, Your wounded Head.
And how I always long to receive You -
I who loved Thee late,
As You run to meet my soul
From golden chalice, golden plate.
How unworthy they are to hold You,
These golden, earthly things.
Still how unworthy is my soul
To behold my Great and Gentle King!
O Lord! I love Thee, how I love Thee
Even to gaze on You in the monstrance.
When my heart is worried worn. . .
I know Your love is always constant!
My God, You’ve captured me,
You’ve captivated my little soul.
In Your sweet, loving glance, You made me see
That only You can make me whole.
I became like the woman at the well
To whom You said “I thirst.”
I know that I too thirsted for You
And not those things I wanted first.
I became like the Magdalene,
Falling before You, to the floor,
You let me see nothing in those things I wanted then,
But it was You, always You,
That my soul wanted more.”

How insane… y’all even the littlest things in there are miracles in itself. Not to take away that the whole poem was singing of my soul, of my longing - thirsting.

Later on, before I opened my gift, I was searching for a picture of Mary, Mary Magdalene and John at the foot of the Cross for interior purposes to contemplate and of course, there it appears.

Now, after all of this and lunch with mom I desired to go pray in the local perpetual Adoration Chapel. However, I knew that I couldn’t hold back my tears when I would see Him so I decided that I wanted to pray in the Church instead. If you don’t already know this, our local Church is ALWAYS locked - ALWAYS. (Exception of Mass.)

I was walking up to the doors of the Church and I was repeating “Jesus, please open the door, open the door, open the door.” Just to open the doors to that beautiful sanctuary. I started laughing as I genuflected, because ultimately, Jesus is funny.

There, on the altar, before Jesus in the tabernacle I wept and sounded like a broken something or another that makes noises.

I wept because I was confused, I wept because I was unsure of what God was asking of me, I wept because I knew something more was coming and I was scared.

Before Jesus, I began writing my prayers (like I sometimes do), which I will provide at the end. They are extremely lengthy (I’m a yapper.)

While I concluded my date with Jesus and His Mother, I was walking out and I looked up, just to see a stained glass window of Mary, John and Mary Magdalene at the Feet of my Jesus (the image in which I was looking for later on that day.)

How Jesus wants to fulfill the desires of my heart, even the littlest ones, even the mad and seemingly unattainable ones.

I reveal a lot of what my being is crying in my prayer, but I would like to conclude that Jesus doesn’t place some of these desires in a heart to leave it lost, to leave it thirsty. He desires to quench, to satisfy. He is the ultimate satisfaction, He is the living Water.

In this time of this uncertain longing, I ask that you would pray for me, that I would respond with love, humility and courage so that when Jesus reveals what I’m longing for I may say ‘yes.’

God bless you and Mary protect you.

Zoë Jumonville


"And they all ate and were satisfied."
Matthew 15:37

Here, my friends, is my prayer during this ache of my longing. It's real.

My Beloved Jesus,

How I love You. 
I adore You.
How much my whole being aches for You.
This longing, O Lord, is for something more. 
I'm heart-broken, I'm hurting, I'm longing, I'm searching, I'm asking, I'm weeping, I'm suffering.
I desire You. I desire You. All of You. I desire heaven and I wish to love You for all eternity. 
This longing, O my sweet Jesus, is hurting me, it's confusing me. What do You seek? What do you desire of this lowly daughter that she is never satisfied?
All I want is You. All I want is You. All I want is You. 
Let not my heart stray, O Lord, let me always cling to You. Never let go of me. Keep me in captivation of Your glory, of Your mercy, of Your love. O Lord, I lack so much - so much and this I know. But what is this longing You have placed inside of me? I have come to think, O Lord, that You are preparing me for something greater, but first I must go throughout an abundance of suffering, through purgation, through pain in order to fully and fruitfully love Thee. And this longing, O Lord, that seems mad and unquenchable is Your way of strength for me. 
My persistence, O Lord is great, which You know, and I believe that the persistence inside of me is You. Be my perseverance in this time of longing, while I wait for whatever You reveal to me. 
Hold me, O Lord, in this time and make this longing, these mad desires, stronger until I come to do what You will of me in perfect humility, joy and love. 
My soul, O Lord, is dark. 
My body, weeping. 
My heart, fragile. 
My mind, loud. 
My Jesus, my God, my Desire. Look upon me with Your most tender and merciful gaze and radiate
Your truth within me, bring me out of my misery, I give You permission to continuously shed light on my soul, so that I may come to know myself interiorly, come to recognize all of my failings. All of the ways I do not love and cure me of myself. Shine so brightly so that I may truly see.  See who You are, purely. I want to see You in all truth, in all beauty.
As for my weeping body, O Lord, it is Yours. Do what You will of me. Give me the courage, the humility, to do and to love.
My heart, O Lord, I bind to Yours. Let the continuos beat of the life within me give all glory and praise to You at every moment.
My mind, O Lord, seems to be my constant vice. Quiet my mind and keep it fixed on You. Conquer my thoughts and captivate my mind on all things pure and heavenly. Fixate my wandering thoughts to Thee.
I love You. 
I am Yours.

Entire Abandonment


To Be Vulnerable

Look who’s back! I apologize for my lack of commitment towards this. I hope to do better. Stay with me. A major reason why it has been awhile is what I want to write about. Yes, time is slipping my grasp but there is always time to make time; therefore, it is only an excuse that I find pathetic and ever the more tempting.

Vulnerability -

What does it mean, really, to be vulnerable?
Or rather, what does it mean to not be vulnerable?

One of the definitions that Merriam-Webster provides for vulnerability is to be open to attack, harm, or damage. Extremely enticing, I know. When contemplating this definition, I asked - in what sort of situation could one be in that they would be open to attack, harm, and/or damage? “To accept to be cut to pieces?” How is it that one has enough strength and courage, with ever the more humility, to be able to even accept this - to surrender?

Faithfully, the answer in the question presents itself . . .

Isn’t it due to the cause of abandoning one’s self for something they believe to be worth more than worldly pleasures and comforts, something worth more than that of self, for something that is ever larger?

This is what I so abundantly lack. In the time I’m most vulnerable I have discovered that I’m continuously asking questions. I would even annoy myself with all of my questions. However, shortly after I started college I ceased asking questions - to God, myself and to others. I’ve accepted commonplaceness and the more so I accepted it, the more so I despised it. Through this I have accomplished such things as greater selfishness and pride. 

And I am aware (in which I thank God for.)

It is in the inward looking of self that I am able to recognize my faults and question them. It is in the inward looking of self that expresses humility, my nothingness. It is also in the inward looking of self, which brings forth the above stated, that I’m able to bring myself in vulnerability, more so through vulnerability, and acknowledge my Jesus.

I believe that there is a sense of fear, maybe even denial, when it comes to recognizing. The reason being is that once something is recognized, something is acknowledged, it becomes ever the more real.

To first recognize vulnerability can be daunting, but then to accept to be vulnerable to Vulnerability is a few steps steeper than the former.

To go further, the Latin word for vulnerable is vulnerabilis, which stems from vulnerare (to wound).

To wound? Why does Jesus want us to be wounded?

However, aren’t we already wounded people? Don’t we come from a wounded nature?

Could one possibly think that Jesus is calling us to vulnerable with Him, not so that He can wound us, but that He can possibly enter into our fresh wounds? To have compassion for us, and in the state of vulnerability, letting Him love us and give worth to the pain that comes with purification? To venerate our scars, scars that compare very little, but nonetheless compare, to the scars of the God-man who was crucified and helps carry the cross we bear to the daily crucifixions that are life giving?

Roses drawn by the Jew (Julie). I don't have artistic abilities.

It is in this vulnerability that I am able to surrender to the actuality of an agape love. It was in vulnerability that the prodigal son was going to his father and through the same vulnerability it was his father longing ever the more for him, running towards him and embracing him.

How relevant this is. Every time I take a step towards Jesus it seems as if he takes 3 towards me. He’s the master pursuer, gentle but yet always desiring you more than you could desire Him.

It is here that I run - but away.

Lack of vulnerability leads to a desired distance to all who are coming close. Over the past few weeks I’ve noticed the extent to which this is coming true for myself. It is as if someone would draw near and I would steer away from him or her, draw near to Jesus all the while avoiding getting any closer to Him.

However, in any relationship there should be a holy vulnerability. Be it between parents, spouses, friends, enemies, children, the Trinity and even self. Father Nnamdi gets to the point when he stated that:
“We must be willing and ready to take risks and to place ourselves in situations of vulnerability before others to fulfill the will of God and to meet the needs of others. In Jesus Christ, God took the greatest risk in meeting our need for a Savior by assuming our human nature and becoming one like us in the womb of the Virgin Mary.” 
As Catholics we are called to live a life of holy vulnerability. Now take this in an appropriate way. What I mean is that to live a life of dedication, evangelization and communion there has to be a reasonable amount in which you humbly expose yourself to others and completely surrender yourself to God. There will certainly be situations that the Holy Spirit will lead us to that we would not particularly desire to do, but simply being open to vulnerability is one of the first steps.

Anytime you are open there will always be a greater risk for harm but there will be a certainty for virtue, whether you are hurt or whether you are healing.

To practice what is being addressed: I ask that you would pray for me, that I may desire and come to love the state in which holy vulnerability may embrace me.

Completely giving are You, reluctantly receiving am I, O Lord.

Entire Abandonment

“He saw him, he had compassion,
 and went to him and 
bound up his wounds.”
Luke 10:33-34

(Talking about the man who was beaten and left for dead on the side of the road - vulnerable.)

The reason why I said that this is pertinent to why I haven’t written in so long is because usually my blogs come from questions, either from others or myself. So it was hard for me to come up with something to write about while dealing with such aridity. I hope to write again soon! :)

I'm going to be vulnerable and share that I've had an infatuation with Dan Smith for a good year and a half now and this song seems pretty relevant.