Look who’s back! I apologize for my lack of commitment towards this. I hope to do better. Stay with me. A major reason why it has been awhile is what I want to write about. Yes, time is slipping my grasp but there is always time to make time; therefore, it is only an excuse that I find pathetic and ever the more tempting.
What does it mean, really, to be vulnerable?
Or rather, what does it mean to not be vulnerable?
One of the definitions that Merriam-Webster provides for vulnerability is to be open to attack, harm, or damage. Extremely enticing, I know. When contemplating this definition, I asked - in what sort of situation could one be in that they would be open to attack, harm, and/or damage? “To accept to be cut to pieces?” How is it that one has enough strength and courage, with ever the more humility, to be able to even accept this - to surrender?
Faithfully, the answer in the question presents itself . . .
Isn’t it due to the cause of abandoning one’s self for something they believe to be worth more than worldly pleasures and comforts, something worth more than that of self, for something that is ever larger?
This is what I so abundantly lack. In the time I’m most vulnerable I have discovered that I’m continuously asking questions. I would even annoy myself with all of my questions. However, shortly after I started college I ceased asking questions - to God, myself and to others. I’ve accepted commonplaceness and the more so I accepted it, the more so I despised it. Through this I have accomplished such things as greater selfishness and pride.
And I am aware (in which I thank God for.)
It is in the inward looking of self that I am able to recognize my faults and question them. It is in the inward looking of self that expresses humility, my nothingness. It is also in the inward looking of self, which brings forth the above stated, that I’m able to bring myself in vulnerability, more so through vulnerability, and acknowledge my Jesus.
I believe that there is a sense of fear, maybe even denial, when it comes to recognizing. The reason being is that once something is recognized, something is acknowledged, it becomes ever the more real.
To first recognize vulnerability can be daunting, but then to accept to be vulnerable to Vulnerability is a few steps steeper than the former.
To go further, the Latin word for vulnerable is vulnerabilis, which stems from vulnerare (to wound).
To wound? Why does Jesus want us to be wounded?
However, aren’t we already wounded people? Don’t we come from a wounded nature?
Could one possibly think that Jesus is calling us to vulnerable with Him, not so that He can wound us, but that He can possibly enter into our fresh wounds? To have compassion for us, and in the state of vulnerability, letting Him love us and give worth to the pain that comes with purification? To venerate our scars, scars that compare very little, but nonetheless compare, to the scars of the God-man who was crucified and helps carry the cross we bear to the daily crucifixions that are life giving?
Roses drawn by the Jew (Julie). I don't have artistic abilities.
It is in this vulnerability that I am able to surrender to the actuality of an agape love. It was in vulnerability that the prodigal son was going to his father and through the same vulnerability it was his father longing ever the more for him, running towards him and embracing him.
How relevant this is. Every time I take a step towards Jesus it seems as if he takes 3 towards me. He’s the master pursuer, gentle but yet always desiring you more than you could desire Him.
It is here that I run - but away.
Lack of vulnerability leads to a desired distance to all who are coming close. Over the past few weeks I’ve noticed the extent to which this is coming true for myself. It is as if someone would draw near and I would steer away from him or her, draw near to Jesus all the while avoiding getting any closer to Him.
However, in any relationship there should be a holy vulnerability. Be it between parents, spouses, friends, enemies, children, the Trinity and even self. Father Nnamdi gets to the point when he stated that:
“We must be willing and ready to take risks and to place ourselves in situations of vulnerability before others to fulfill the will of God and to meet the needs of others. In Jesus Christ, God took the greatest risk in meeting our need for a Savior by assuming our human nature and becoming one like us in the womb of the Virgin Mary.”As Catholics we are called to live a life of holy vulnerability. Now take this in an appropriate way. What I mean is that to live a life of dedication, evangelization and communion there has to be a reasonable amount in which you humbly expose yourself to others and completely surrender yourself to God. There will certainly be situations that the Holy Spirit will lead us to that we would not particularly desire to do, but simply being open to vulnerability is one of the first steps.
Anytime you are open there will always be a greater risk for harm but there will be a certainty for virtue, whether you are hurt or whether you are healing.
To practice what is being addressed: I ask that you would pray for me, that I may desire and come to love the state in which holy vulnerability may embrace me.
Completely giving are You, reluctantly receiving am I, O Lord.
“He saw him, he had compassion,
and went to him and
bound up his wounds.”
(Talking about the man who was beaten and left for dead on the side of the road - vulnerable.)
The reason why I said that this is pertinent to why I haven’t written in so long is because usually my blogs come from questions, either from others or myself. So it was hard for me to come up with something to write about while dealing with such aridity. I hope to write again soon! :)
I'm going to be vulnerable and share that I've had an infatuation with Dan Smith for a good year and a half now and this song seems pretty relevant.